Game Recap 11/14/2009 VS Green Team: A Tale of Two Shulers
enjoy.
In what was nestled smack dab in the middle of a still very awesome Pittsburgh sports weekend, the Random Lengths once again prevailed over Green Team. This series is beginning to look a lot like Steelers vs Bengals prior to 2009 - the Random Lengths seem to conquor their green foes each time they compete.
Such records will tend to leave the oft winning team feeling very confident entering the match. This is a mistake when you factor in the Shuler percentage. TWO Shulers were playing for the Green Team on this night, which instantly gave them a 112% better chance of winning.
That's HUGE, 112%. This was going to be more difficult than we expected. This is their tale.
Rob Shuler was born in the back of a shed on a warm Christmas night. The family's goats and cattle had gathered near the entrance because a load of alfalfa had fallen off of the tractor as it pulled inside. A small crowd of onlookers was also forming. "Is it true what they say?" Harriet Schnur asked the farm-hand John Hinchberger. He merely stared at her in disgust and continued his business of cleaning chicken shit off of the rafters. There was a buzz in the room, the crowd was anxious yet calm. They were frightened yet excited. They were preparing themselves for the arrival of the chosen one.
His mother was raised in Lyndora, PA. The daughter of a wealthy shift manager at Armco, she had a happy childhood. Near the end of the 70's and well into her teenage years, Rob's mom had forgotten her happy childhood and had turned to a life engulfed in what was labeled "HERMANITE." Hermanite was a process that was only available to those with money. Rob's mom would gather with her friends under the Viaduct and they would Hermanize for hours on end, stopping only to escape the authorities. There you would see her with two 9-volt batteries - one attached to her tongue, the other fitting snugly up her anus. The sensation was mind-numbing as 18 volts of mental ecstasy ran throughout her body. Rob's mother was failing school, losing friends, and becoming disowned by her family, but with any great sensation none of those things mattered, and Rob's mom's life spiraled out of control. She found herself increasing her dosage, sometimes Hermanizing 27 or even 36 volts - she was killing herself. Until one morning when Rob's mom awoke with a sensation she had never felt before. She later found out she was with child.
Larry Shuler fell from the sky. No really, an elderly man (later Larry's adoptive father) was picking tomatoes, and he noticed something falling. He initially thought that it was a meteor so he ran to grab his telescope. Only then did he realize it was a human baby, certainly barreling toward his death - and toward his home. There is no time to think in a situation such as this. You now know that a human baby is falling out of the sky toward your home at a rate of 130 miles per hour. The only thing left to do is pray. And Pray the elderly man did - but not to our God. No, he did not believe in the Christian/Jewish/Muslim God. He prayed to the hockey god, and strangely enough the hockey god just happened to be listening on this day and Larry's life was spared. He was softly cradled by a Mario Lemiuex jersey the elderly man had hanging on the clothes line.
The crowd gathering behind the shed was now over 20 people strong. Were they really going to witness an immaculate conception birth? This young woman, who only 9 months ago was drowning in a life of Hermanizing was claiming that there was no father to her unborn son. She was known to be an addict, but not a liar, so 20 people actually believed this miracle. And sure as shit at 6:66am on a tuesday, little Rob Shuler was born wearing a goalie mask. Everyone was amazed and luckily Rob did not seem to have any adverse affect from his Hermanizing mother. He looked perfectly healthy, and unbeatable. It was later determined that Rob's mom was impregnated when she Hermanized two car batteries. Rob's father was in fact, two car batteries.
Larry was growing fast...VERY FAST. By age 7 he wore size 34 underwear. He was the best street hockey player in his neighborhood. He could even shoot harder than Tommy Undercut's older brother Lyle, who once shot a pop can into a tree. Larry knew his calling, he was going to grow Tomatoes like his father did. He was happy growing tomatoes. He liked their texture, their smell, and their taste. Hockey was too easy for him and he wanted to be challenged in life. There wasn't a goalie out there who Larry could not score against and it was boring him. He was content harvesting his tomatoes and hanging with his elderly father.
Rob, born of two batteries, was the hottest goalie in Lyndora. Brian Dittmer was quoted as saying "I hate hockey because we can never score against Rob. How much fun would you have if your team was always shut out?" These thoughts soon were on everyone's minds and the players stopped showing up for games. This saddened Rob. He knew his calling, it was to be a goalie, but how was he supposed to be a goalie if he did not have anyone to play with. It was sad times for Rob and his mother feared he would slip into a despicable life like she once led. She turned to Mark Madden's show on 105.9 the X for guidance. He suggested she sign him up for Dek Hockey at the Butler Township Dek.
Larry had heard about the "unbeatable" goalie on his trips to Trader Horn with his father. What began as a fabrication of the truth had since become fact. This goalie had a name - Rob. This did not change Larry's plans to grow tomatoes like his father. He had played against some very good goalies in his time and had smoked each and every one of them, what could this goalie have that the others had not? These thoughts continued until one day when Larry was at a birthday party at the Butler Township Park. He was enjoying a game of two-bounce basketball when he heard cheers and jeers coming from the near by hockey dek. Larry was bored so he wondered over to see what the commotion was about. What happened next changed Butler Township forever.
Larry did not care to speak with Rob. He saw him being congratulated by his teammates and he pulled out his fresh Cope to put in a pinch. Rob smelled the
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