Once upon a time on a less-than stellar hockey rink, an Owner's son grew up happy and contented, in spite of a ravenous opposition. He was very pretty, with blue eyes and brown hair. His skin was delicate, and he was called Little Double. Everyone was quite sure he would become a professional. Though the opposition was on average 10 years older than him, they too came to play and play well, and their magic stick told them this every day.
"Random Length on the wall, who is the best team in all of Butler Township?" The reply was; "Not you guys, yinz are at best ranked 24th." in it's Western Pennsylvania accent, until the dreadful day when they heard it say, "Pucking sweet is Pucking 24th best, yinz are 25th." The team was furious and, wild with jealousy, began plotting to beat their tiny rivals. Calling on their trusty "B" division compadres - Rob, Donte, Shawn, and John - they bribed them with a rich reward to take the little boy into the forest, and far away from the Lengths. Then, unseen, they were to call him names like "Poo poo face" and "squirrley." The B-Men agreed to do this, however, when they came to the fatal spot, their courage failed them, and they left him sit beside a tree, in the forest all alone, and they went off and drank beers in the parking lot.
Night came, and the B-Men soaked in their own urine and booze, never returned. Little Double, alone in the dark forest, began to cry bitterly. He thought he could feel terrible eyes spying on him, and he heard cracking high pitched voices, from what he could translate were talking about somone's mom's boobs and video games. At last, overcome by tiredness, he fell asleep curled under a tree.
At last, dawn woke the forest to the song of passing traffic and AM radio, and Little Double too, awoke. A whole world was stirring to life and the little boy was glad to see how silly his fears had been. However, the thick jagger bushes were like a wall around him, and as he tried to find out where he was, he came upon a quad-trail. He walked along it, hoping that someone was playing paintball so that they could save him. On he walked until he came to a clearing. There stood a strange cabin with Kanye West posters and a "Boys Only" sign on the front door. It had a tiny door, tiny windows, and a tiny chimney pot. Everything about the cottage was much tinier than normal, just his size. Little Double pushed the door open.
"I wonder who lives here, it's a pucking sweet pad," he said to himself, peering into a Playboy someone had obviously stolen from their dad. "What tiny cups! And forks! And they have an Xbox, Playstation, and a Wii, with 12 controllers!" Upstairs past the Fergie poster he saw 12 beds. Going back to the kitchen, Little Double had an idea. "I'll make them dinner!" "When they come home they'll be glad to have a nice meal."
Toward dusk, 12 tiny men march homewards singing. But when they opened the door, to their surprise they found a hot bowl of Mac N Cheese and a hot dog on the table. Upstairs was Little Double, fast asleep on the bed with Spider Man sheets. The chief little man prodded him gently.
"Who are you?" he asked. Little Double told them his sad story, and the little men were so angry their voices were cracking so bad that they sounded like a flock of geese after a piece of bread. Then one of them said "Let's beat them! We are also a hockey team!"
"Hooray! Hooray! Pucking Sweet!" They cheered, dancing like little white kids around Little Double.
The little men said to LD, "we will help you defeat the evil opposition, don't worry about them. We love you and we will take care of you!" LD gratefully accepted their offer, and the next morning when they set off for swim class at the YMCA, they warned LD not to open the door to strangers.
Meanwhile, the B-Men returned to the bar and told the opposition that they had completed the task and the reason they were hung-over is because they were celebrating their accomplishment. The opposition was pleased, until they again asked the Random Length, "who now is 24th best in Butler Township?" and the Length responded telling them that it still belonged to Pucking Sweet. "LD lives with the 12 dwarves in the woods." It said. The opposition were beside themselves with rage.
"WE ARE THE 24TH RANKED TEAM!" they screamed. They developed a fail-proof plan to rid the dek of LD once and for all.
Disguising themselves as Tom Brady, Tony Hawk, Miley Cyrus, and the guy that invented World of War Craft; Nordoski, Markus Regulan, Pott Potterson, and Dave put a poisoned Fun-Dip with the others in their basket. Then, taking the quickest way to Highfield, via 422, they crossed the swamp at the edge of the trees near the little cabin.
LD was playing Halo 2 when he heard the sound at the door; KNOCK! KNOCK!
"Who's there?" he called suspiciously, remembering the little boys' advice.
"It's me Tom Brady" Nordoski said in his gayest voice. "I have some extra fun dip if you're interested."
"I don't need any, thank you," LD replied, "I just ate 5 pixie sticks."
"But they are a new flavor, they're soooooooo good, and I invented WOW," Dave harkened.
LD loved WOW so he belived the oppostition and he excitedly came out of the cabin. LD was just about to lick the Dip-Stick when a furry of pimples flew from out of the woods.
"Don't do it!!" yelled one little boy, with his dad cheering him on. "These guys are mean, and they have actually seen a REAL girl naked!" yelled another little boy. "We are now a part of LD's hockey team, and we will beat you Miley Cyrus!!" "It's on!" replied Pott Potterson. "Tonight, you meet your final resting place!"
The night was perfect. Cool, no wind or rain. "A perfect night to show that we are actually the 24th best team in all of Butler Township!" yelled Chad Scuderian.
The game was tense. Random Lengths took a 1-0 lead in the first off of a goal by Zieg Fehl, and Shoop Shoup kept everything out of his own net. Pucking Sweet tied it early in the second, but then B-Team leader Collins Bonniebrook and Pott Potterson tallied goals to put the lengths back in the lead for good.
Markus Regulan scored a fairytale goal on the backhand from his knees, and Dave played a smart game, he really used his head.
Timjunior of Hattzdom and Donte Stallworth offered the final blow when they jumped in an SUV, drove it onto the dek and hit LD, knocking him out at center ice.
He lay there motionless, until another member of B-Team, Rob Indahood, proceeded to attempt to face wash LD with a fart. Sadly, his attempt at a fart turned sour and his harmless passing of gas turned into a full splatter house all over LD. This, coupled by an open mouth kiss from one of the other boys, woke LD, and to his horror, his team had dropped to being ranked 25th in Butler Township, and the Random Length was happy, but then got destroyed by some kids pissed off dad.
Stats updated on link to the right.
